“I had an emotional void and I unconsciously expected my partners to fill it”.
When I look back on my relationships over the years, I analyze why I chose that person in the first place and then why I ended it. Each relationship was reflective of my personal growth at the time.
In my previous blog, I discussed how I learned to recognize my self-sabotaging behavior. In this one, I will share the impact of that type of behaviour on romantic relationships.
Without looking in the mirror at yourself,
you cannot have a healthy relationship.
It’s so easy to blame your partner for what went wrong – but how many of us actually look at ourselves to determine how we have contributed to the conflict?
I don’t think I have met one person, who does not carry some form of emotional baggage from their life’s experiences and/or their childhood. We carry that into our romantic relationships. We have expectations of our partners that come from that emotional baggage and some of them are unrealistic.
I was with partners who filled my unmet needs. I needed them to show me that I mattered and I wanted them to do that in the way that I needed. If they did not respond accordingly, I’d get upset or hurt.
Because I grew up with a fear of abandonment and betrayal of those closest to me and the fact that I lacked self-worth for many years, I wasn’t able to objectively see or identify a true nurturing relationship. My partners were good people, we were simply together for the wrong reasons and therefore unable to sustain the relationship once we started to evolve as individuals.
I needed to know that I mattered and the only person who could do that for me was me. I was always looking for that and it is an impossible task to expect someone else to do that for you.
In my quest, I overlooked the great things my partners would have done for me to show me that I was loved. I did not allow myself to sit back and fully enjoy the relationship for what it was or to fully appreciate their efforts. I was on guard. I would hold my partner accountable for my own insecurity and I would not trust their intentions. This was all subconscious. Externally, I was happy, loving, having fun and always appreciative of the good we did have. Deep down, the storm was brewing.
Healthy relationships happen when we have our self-worth intact. When we do, we look for different characteristics in a partner, we know how to recognize them and we know how to engage them.
Now, I am in a much better place to enjoy the man of my dreams. We rarely ever argue, we laugh, we love, we go on adventures and we have strong chemistry together. I am able to recognize how he likes to show his love for me and appreciate it when it happens.
I am also strong enough and confident enough to ask for what I want from him. I no longer question motives, I no longer fear it will end. For the first time in my life, I feel happy, safe and secure. All I want is to enjoy my man’s company as much as possible because this feels amazing!