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Every romantic relationship has its ups and downs. There are moments of intense passion and connection and there are moments that you can’t wait to get away from each other (even if it’s just for a little solitude). Healthy relationships have both moments of connection and disconnection.

What if your relationship is stalled and boredom and routine have set in? Your partner has become predictable, you find yourselves reading the paper at meals versus talking to each other and you each are each doing your own thing. You find yourselves in that constant state of disconnection. 

It’s pretty sad for me when I ask couples who have been together for a long time, what it is they want from their partner. I often hear, “I want space!” Oh no! These couples love each other, but the spark has burnt out. 

A decision has to be made – to change that and re-ignite the flame. THE most common barrier I hear is blaming. Couples blame each other for their predicament and will not budge until the other person does something different. 

What if you are the one to change all that? You can start by making some small, but noticeable changes that make YOU feel good and they also just might catch your partner’s eye. 

Look in the Mirror First – What can you do differently? 

  • Take care of your grooming and hygiene 
  • Change part of your personal look – modify your hairstyle or wardrobe 
  • Engage in an activity that you love – on a regular basis 
  • Listen to your favourite songs and sing out loud to them 
  • Join a gym or start some regular exercise 
  • Try new creative recipes at home 
  • Re-arrange one of your rooms in your home or change the accents 
  • Plant something new and different in your garden 
  • Spend more time with friends 

This is not meant to be an old-fashioned task of making sure you and your home look good to make your partner happy. It’s about doing activities for you – so that you feel better. When partners lose interest in making each other feel special, it often affects how we feel in general. Over time we can end up feeling neglected, sad, depressed, lonely and maybe even a little insecure.

The only one who can truly change that is us. By re-engaging ourselves first, we will start to feel more capable, empowered and confident. It’s so important to get ourselves back to happy. Then we are in a better position to work on our relationship.

Remove the negativity
  • Pick your battles – clean up the small messes each other leaves behind 
  • Stop complaining and focusing on what your partner doesn’t do 
  • Stop swearing, rolling your eyes, sighing or any other offensive behaviour directed at your partner 
  • Release the past – just let it go and be willing to start again 
Inject Positivity
  • Be kind and loving in your intentions 
  • Ask about their day and share yours 
  • Anticipate his/her needs – you already know their preferences – help them out (if your partner likes to drink coffee and read the paper – have it ready for them). 
  • Say please and thank you when they do something – even if it’s their role (“Thank you for cooking dinner it was delicious!” or “You did a great job on the garden – it looks beautiful!”) 
  • Is there a favorite show he or she likes to watch on TV? Watch it with them, then discuss it on commercial breaks or afterward 
  • Tell them you miss the activities you used to do together and would like to do something as a couple – would they like to participate and what would they like to do 
  • Physical touch also makes a big difference – a hug, a touch on the arm, sitting next to each other on the couch or holding his/her hand 

It’s like a lighter. One of these activities starts a little spark until eventually, a flame emerges. As long as you keep at it – the flame stays. 

Your partner will experience a happier you and a different environment at home. When couples truly love each other, they are willing to put in the effort to engage and make their relationship alive again. Maybe you could go out and buy a really nice lighter and a scented candle. Light the candle every night, as a private reminder of your intent to re-ignite the sparks in your relationship! 

Happy connecting! 

Photo: Unsplash.com