That word – S.E.X.! To some couples – it is a private word, a private concept. They don’t talk to others about it and they don’t talk to each other about it.  For other couples, the topic of sex is very much a priority in their relationship.  These are the couples who research, who ask questions, who communicate with ease and are willing to explore.  This blog is for those who embrace the concept of sex.

Sex is a fundamental part of our romantic relationships.  It is one of many ways to feel connected to your partner and a way to express your love.  I believe we should all have expectations for our sex life – or ‘sexpectations’ as I call it.

Pretty much every person I have spoken to on this topic has physical needs sexually. I refer to that as ‘maintenance sex’.  It is often routine. It satisfies a need.  I’m talking about romantic relationships right now, so the context is for two people who are in love with each other.

One partner may have more of a physical need for a ‘sexual release’ than the other at a given moment in time and there is nothing wrong with satisfying the other person.  It is not something to keep score – “you had 2 orgasms this week – I haven’t had any”! It’s about love and taking pleasure in satisfying your partner.

Let’s take it up a level – what are your sexpectations?

What do you want?  What are your preferences?

I’ve heard individuals tell me that their partner doesn’t satisfy them sexually. When I ask ‘why not’, the common response is that their sex is boring and routine.  My next question is ‘What would you like your partner to do differently’? The response is usually – ‘I don’t know’.

How can you expect your partner to know how to please you if:

  • You don’t know your own preferences
  • You don’t communicate

Couples who have a hot sex life shared their strategies:

  • They communicate, in a loving way, that they would like to spice up their sex life, they would like to try something new or different, they would like to expand their activities as a couple. Then they ask their partner how they feel about it. They agree to move forward.
  • The decide together, how they will do that:
    • They agree to research to get ideas
    • Together, they watch adult movies, go in to adult stores, read books or magazines
    • Individually, they may talk to close friends
    • They discuss the ideas and decide together which ones they want to try
  • They experiment:
    • They stay in a hotel to create a new environment
    • They focus on foreplay – well in advance
    • They test new ways of touching or interacting with each other
    • They change the way they dress when they are together
    • If they don’t like a particular activity they tried, they may laugh together and say this is not us
    • They will say what they liked and what they want more of
    • They will acknowledge each other and appreciate the efforts

When it is done together, in a loving way – versus criticizing or blaming each other for what is not happening – magic happens. It gives couples something to look forward to. It creates a new found energy and excitement. It brings couples closer because of the intimacy and privacy they share together.

Both partners are entitled to have ‘sexpectations’ grounded in mutual respect, an observable desire for each other, expressions of love, willingness to please and sharing in new adventures together. It takes love and communication. What are your sexpectations?